Anyone who’s gotten engaged has heard of the 4Cs of diamonds: cut, carat, clarity, and color. However, I think there are 4Cs far more important to know around that time, the 4Cs of marriage: chemistry, compatibility, commitment, and communication.
While the 4Cs of diamonds present potential areas for trade off (a larger stone of lesser quality, for example, versus a smaller, flawless stone), I contend that all of the 4Cs of marriage are essential. Let’s talk them through:
Chemistry
I think of chemistry as both that snap of physical attraction you might feel instantly upon meeting someone as well as a subtler emotional and intellectual chemistry that may take some time to uncover.
I know that some people would disagree with me and say chemistry is all physical but, when you’ve been married more than a couple of years or are over the age of 25, you come to realize that physical attraction isn’t everything. Sure, sex is important—without it, you’re basically roommates—but having someone who “gets” you is just as, if not more, important.
My husband and I have always said that we didn’t experience a huge physical spark when we first met. But something in me recognized him as important. When I tried to break up with him a month or so later, I felt an unreasonable sense of loss and started crying instead.
Brian and I liked each other, respected each other, and came to understand each other. We were stimulated by each other’s personalities and intellects and, in our case, the physical attraction grew from there. Regardless of what your chemistry looks like or from where it comes, I consider it the first essential ingredient of the 4Cs of marriage.
Compatibility
The second of my 4Cs of marriage is compatibility. A lot of folks seem to use the word compatibility to define the emotional and intellectual chemistry between people. Instead, I define it as a commonality of life goals and interests.
You could have all of the physical, emotional, or intellectual chemistry in the world but, if your mate wants a dozen kids and you don’t want any, you have a compatibility problem.
If you want to live and work in Antarctica and your mate never wants to be more than 10 miles from his family in Michigan, you’ve got some compatibility conversations ahead.
If you and your partner share no common interests, your relationship might survive, but at what cost? Loneliness when one partner is left at home? Jealousy that the other is out with friends? You don’t have to agree on everything or spend all of your time together, but it helps if each partner is willing to compromise and find a shared interest or two.
We all compromise in relationships so the real question is how compatible are you and your mate on the deal breakers? And what are those deal breakers? It’s critical to have conversations like these before getting married to ensure long-term happiness and harmony.
Commitment
By its very nature, marriage equals commitment. Marriage is a legal union recognized across the globe, regardless of culture, creed, or religion. In fact, according to Dictionary.com, “anthropologists say that some type of marriage has been found in every known human society since ancient times.”
By listing commitment as one of the 4Cs of marriage, I’m not making a judgment call about whether humans are innately monogamous or polyamorous but whether you are willing to invest in your relationship and partner(s).
Dictionary.com defines commitment as a promise, which correlates well to your vows of marriage. Depending on your beliefs and relationship style, your pledge could be to uphold and support your partner and relationship, to remain faithful, or something else entirely.
Whatever your personal understanding of commitment, this is another issue best considered and discussed with your partner(s) before marriage. Your decisions and answers will be important for as long as your relationship lasts.
Communication
As you may have already noticed, communication keeps popping up among the 4Cs of marriage and thus must be #4.
Before Brian and I got married, my mom told me that king-size beds were relationship killers. I disagree: Poor communication is. After 10 years of marriage, I can safely say: If you can’t communicate effectively with your spouse, you’ll never make it. Marriage involves too many discussions, decisions, and compromises for partners with poor communication skills to survive.
If you’re now wondering about the health of your communication skills, this list of 10 characteristics of effective communicators is a good place to start. It’s more geared to professional interactions, but the fundamentals are there: making your message clear, practicing empathy and effective listening, asking for clarification when needed, and paying attention to body language.
Communication is ongoing work, for sure. After years together, a change in circumstances—a move, a new baby, or a new job—can change how and how much time you have to communicate with each other, as it did for us. Here are some of the things we did to improve our communication when that time came.
I hope these 4Cs of marriage prove helpful to you in determining how strong your relationship is and the areas you can continue to improve and develop over time. If you liked this post, please share the love.
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