10 Rules for Fighting Fair

On our walk the other morning, Brian and I got into a disagreement. It started when I expressed concern about an ongoing health issue—making a bid for emotional support—and Brian replied that he didn’t think my assessment of the situation was accurate, that I should consider another course of action. In other words, he attempted to solve the “problem.”

This seems to be a common interaction between the sexes. John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, writes, “Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.”

I wouldn’t characterize it the way Gray does—that I was talking about the details of my problems—but I agree that men often hear problems to solve where women are asking for support. My husband, the exceedingly rational engineer, is no exception.

Although we’re about to celebrate our 10th anniversary, our relationship is by no means devoid of conflict. Every couple has disagreements. When we have ours, we do what we can to keep the discussion amicable, to make sure we’re fighting fair. Here’s how:

10 Rules for Fighting Fair

1. Be honest. We share what’s really on our minds instead of hiding behind another issue. For example, if I’m frustrated that he’s late, I don’t pick a fight over the dishwasher needing to be emptied. Of course, we might not always fully understand what is bothering us and so we do the best we can. (Ask me sometime about how Brian used to make animal noises while I cooked.)
2. Keep it personal. By mutual agreement, we don’t blame each other. We keep the focus on our individual thoughts and feelings. For example, I might say, “I feel unheard” versus “You never listen to me!”
3. Keep it private. If there’s anything I’ve learned about fighting fair, it’s this: Don’t involve others, either during or after the disagreement. Take it to another room if you have kids or company and don’t call your parents or friends to debrief afterward. (Note: I made the latter mistake in my early 20s. My mom never respected that boyfriend again, even though I stayed with him for years.)
4. Stick to the present. Although a disagreement may relate to prior events, there’s no point in continually bringing up the past. If you didn’t resolve the issue the first time you discussed it, work harder to resolve it. If you keep rehashing (or holding a grudge about) the same issues, you’ll never be able to move forward.
5. Stick to the subject. When Brian and I disagree, we talk about the one issue at hand. We don’t bring up everything else we could possibly disagree about at any past or future moment in time. Resolutions are best found in specifics. When everything is wrong, nothing can be resolved.
6. No name calling. This seems obvious, but name calling serves no purpose. It’s demeaning and hurtful, and avoiding it requires only a tiny bit of self control. Just don’t do it.
7. Listen. You can’t understand what your partner is saying if you don’t listen. So listen, don’t just pause until it’s your turn to speak again. I know this can be difficult because you want to make sure you’re heard but it’s equally important to hear.
   Brian and I recently began practicing active listening, which involves paraphrasing and repeating back what you heard to demonstrate understanding. Active listening can really slow down a conversation but it can also help point out areas of miscommunication.
8. Seek a resolution. Arguing in a relationship should be about finding agreement, not about keeping score or “winning.” In fact, I believe that, if anyone wins an argument in a marriage, both sides lose. Instead, accept when your partner is extending an olive branch and seek a resolution you can both live with.
9. Take a pause. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a pause and ask, “Can we talk about this later?” If you and your partner have reached an impasse or you’re tired or hungry or need a break, take one. And let your partner have one if they ask. Doing so can provide each of you with the time and space to see the other’s side or find a better resolution.
10. Take responsibility and move on. Whenever we reach a resolution, Brian and I end up apologizing for our part in the disagreement. This isn’t a rule for us—it just works out that way—but I think it helps if you can see how you contributed to the disagreement and take responsibility for your role. Doing so helps you put the issue to bed and move forward, back on the same page.

As you’ve no doubt seen by now, most of fighting fair stems from being kind (#4 on my list of marriage lessons) and practicing empathy for your partner even when you’re angry or annoyed. For more tips on fighting fair, check out the following from:

• Dr. Phil – How to Fight Fair
• US Conference of Catholic Bishops – 25 Ways to Fight Fair
• Dr. Gail Gross – 14 Tips for Fighting Fair with Your Partner

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Cheers,