On Disappointing Others

I’m feeling a bit sad and uncomfortable today. I hurt the feelings of someone I love over the weekend. It wasn’t intentional. I didn’t set out to hurt or reject her act of love but, to be true to myself and my needs, I had to say no to a very kind offer. The truth is: As uncomfortable as it may be, if you’re going to remain true to yourself, disappointing others at times is inevitable.

Even more frustrating, how others respond to our acts of self-care is out of our control. Some will accept graciously and let the situation go. Others will fight back, accusing you of harming them deliberately or selfishly. Still others will say everything is okay yet hold a grudge. It’s no picnic, disappointing others.

But we have to be okay with doing it. Otherwise, we’d live our lives to the beat of another’s drum, trying to keep someone other than ourselves happy.

Accepting that I have to disappoint others is hard for me. That’s why I’m writing about it. I was raised to people-please and I struggle with not doing so, but it’s just not okay for me to sacrifice my sense of self and happiness to meet someone else’s wishes. If I always compromised for someone else, where could that lead:

• Would I be willing to sacrifice where I live?
• What I do as a career?
• What about my choice of spouse?

Even the people closest to us have their own agendas. Sometimes their agendas clash with what we know to be true for ourselves. I don’t fault them. They’re doing their best, but they don’t fully understand our needs or what will lead us to our best lives. How could they when they’re not us?

Let me give you an example: My husband’s parents did not want him to leave aerospace engineering to become a computer programmer. But Brian was unhappy in his aerospace job. He didn’t like the bureaucracy of the industry and he was bored designing brackets for telecommunications satellites.

His parents were rightfully worried that he’d have trouble finding a good job outside his major and that he might not make as much money long-term. They were trying to protect their baby boy from suffering. But they were wrong.

Now, 15+ years later, Brian loves software engineering and he makes a great living doing it. While I’m sure his decision to go against his parents’ wishes was disappointing to them at the time, it’s what he needed to do to be true to himself.

Brian and I have developed a bit of a reputation in our families for choosing the unconventional route. We live across the country from our families, both having moved independently after college. We put our careers on hold to travel full-time during 2010-2011. I haven’t held a traditional job since 2006. Brian turned down an offer at Google to work for an Internet start-up. And we’ve chosen not to birth children.

Sure, we’ve made mistakes, but we’re doing the best we can. And our mistakes are ours to make.

Disappointing others sometimes happens on our paths to becoming our most authentic selves. We’re sorry when it happens but we also must accept it as inevitable.

We can’t live our lives in an attempt to keep others happy. For one thing, it’s impossible because everyone has his or her own opinion. Also, it’s a death knell for our individual dreams, wishes, and goals.

Who are you going to disappoint today? What dream or goal are you going to take action toward in becoming your best self?

Cheers,